How To Convince...

This is a speech I wrote at about midnight the night before I had a speech due. I was going to perform an exorcism, but my mom thought I'd go to hell, so that was out.

HOW TO CONVINCE PEOPLE YOU HAD A GREAT SPEECH PREPARED

We’ve all worked long and hard on some school project before, whether we admit it or not. We have all worked long and hard, only to be disappointed with a mediocre grade. It is this kind of failure that beats us down again and again! And so the next time that a project rolls around, we put it off one day. And the next day we sit down to get to work, and that dreaded feeling sinks into your bones. Your speech is in a week. You have no ideas. Sure, ideas come and ideas go. But murder is illegal and playing with the devil is frowned upon. So each day you talk to your teacher, you tell him your ideas, you go, tormented, to your friends and beg them for help. But nothing is as it should be. And so the night before you’re speech is due you sit down and you pull some crap out of thin air and arrange it into a speech.

Like I said, we’ve all done this. But shockingly enough, not everyone knows the essential skills needed to fake a speech or project the way it should rightly be done.

1) It is extremely important to always look like you have something important to say. Even if you don’t, clear your throat and survey the audience.
2) Look confident, and never say the words “uh, uhm, er, argh,” or even worse, nothing at all. And whatever you do, do not say like. Like is a disease, poisoning your project.
3) Have a visual aid. Visual aids have a habit of distracting from the presentation, and therefore no one will notice how 50% of what you say is crap.
4) Make ridiculous hand motions and nod eagerly to convey to the crowd that you truly care about your topic. If they think you care, they’ll think they care too.
5) Smile and make eye contact with the crowd. If you stare at them long enough, they stop listening to what you say and instead fidget in their seats.
6) Shuffle several index cards and huff about.
7) Refer often to your visual aid in an attempt to squander precious seconds of your three minutes.
8) Pay special attention to the way your visual aid looks. Have bright, engaging colors that capture the interest of the audience. Fill it with witty comics. Give them a moment to read.
9) Practice, practice, practice your speech! The last thing you need is for it to be obvious that you had not done any work. If you fake confidence, you may inspire your audience that they too, can fake it.
10) If you ever forget what to say, or your index cards have become mixed up in the shuffling, wing it, or involve the audience. Ask them such mind consuming questions as “if Katie has to spend quality time with the Dean on a Saturday, does anyone hear her screams?” Ponder the question along with your audience.

Believe in your abilities, and take the ups and downs as they come. If the project you actually tried on was a flop, then it makes logical sense that this project, invented at 10 the night before should be a hit. That is all I can give you, dearest fakers. I hope that this speech has helped you in your quest to become a true scoundrel, a master in the art of faking it.